YOU DON’T HAVE TO READ THIS. REALLY,YOU DON’T.

I think I may have a problem.
And it’s affecting my life.
I’ll be turning 21 years old today (depending on when you read this), and I’m a student in the University. That may be all you need to know. I am the world’s leading procrastinator and this condition…this…this illness – it will perhaps be the end of me.

I know this because I can see it. I can see how my mind is in conflict with itself. I can see how my rational, thinking, planning, sane self is in a losing war with my non-committal, lazy, apathetic, irrational, hedonistic, indisciplined side. Phew,I think I used up all my adjectives there.
But what about me? I’m just the guy yelling unheeded in the stands at the football game. I’m the potbellied dad commandeering international politics from the living room couch. I can’t do anything. I feel like I can’t do anything.
Just so you understand a bit more on how the mind of a procrastinator works, you should visit this amazing blog I sometimes read. It’s called ‘Wait But Why’, by a really cool guy called Tim Urban. You’ll find a series of articles he calls The Procrastination Matrix. It’s a godsend to someone like me. He gives me a chance to procrastinate as I read on procrastination. 🙂 … 😦
My mind though, is a wreck. But you wouldn’t know. Because I have a really charming smile – I’ve been told. It can even knock your socks off – though I haven’t seen this superpower of mine in action yet. I can just picture it. *Arms akimbo* Captain Socks-Off to the rescue! *Flashes smile* Ladies swoon. You get the idea.
Like very many of us, I hide behind a façade. My outward demeanor doesn’t always reflect what is inside of me. But it’s about time I let it all out. I’ve postponed my thoughts and feelings long enough.
THIS WILL BE A LONG POST
One of the veils a serial procrastinator hides behind is the banner of perfectionism. We…I, usually wait and look for the perfect moment and circumstances to do a certain thing. It sadly never arrives. That’s why I have left so many words unsaid. So many stories unspoken. So many dreams in bed. And perhaps my very purpose in life unrealized. For crying out loud, there is a book called ‘Finishing Strong’ that I have been unable to finish for the better part of this year. (sorry Nyauke) I also have an application for a certain license regarding my schooling that I have been meaning to fill and return for the past three years. Streak still going strong.
No more.
Two of my favorite words. ‘Never again’ – a first cousin to those words. They make up the vocabulary of a procrastinator’s mind. There’s also ‘maybe later’. Oh, I like ‘I’ll think about it’. It’s like my mind is afraid of the slightest indication of an imminent decision. But you can relax ladies, there is an exception to this rule when it comes to the C-Word. *coughs*
THE PART WHERE I PRETEND I’M SMART AND GIVE AN ANALYSIS
I can’t pretend -clears throat- to be fully aware of the state of my mind. I cannot claim to have piercing insight into what ails me. I however know where the shoe pinches – so to speak – and I cannot pretend I’ll walk fine. And sometimes, that may be all that’s needed to make any progress.

Ed2jtn2
But why am I sharing this story with you?
And I’m not talking of the classic troubled writer’s woes – of whether or not anyone will ever read their words. My question is, why would I reveal these deep hidden things we keep to ourselves? The things society has taught us to bottle down and only tell our tear-soaked pillows at night?
There could be a bunch of reasons. Let’s explore them.
Maybe I like attention. And this is a cry for pity and nods of understanding from internet strangers.

Maybe…maybe, but I’m too full of myself to want that 😀
Perhaps the reason could be that you stranger, who I may not know or ever know, may have a mind the same as mine. Maybe you’ve overcome your Instant Gratification Monkey and you may know the way I should take out of my Dark Playground.
Nah, that makes too much sense, can’t be it.
Maybe like any self-acclaimed artist, I am prone to self-indulgence. I like to see myself create something. These words you see on your screen dear reader did not exist in this order in the Universe before I sat to create them. Words are powerful, and who doesn’t love power?
But more than all that, writing this feels to me like sweet release. It is all very cathartic. They say a problem shared is a problem half-solved. So you can imagine how many half-solutions I’ll have when all the four or five of you who’ll ever see this read my words.
LET’S BE SERIOUS THOUGH
Today is my birthday. This story can’t just be about the futility of your procrastination habits, Selian, you may wonder. Where is the upside to this slightly depressing read on your shortcomings? Is there a point to this, or did you just write this so you can timely post an article on your birthday after more than a year of inactivity, huh?? ARE YOU JUST WASTING OUR TIME WITH THIS NEVER-ENDING ARTICLE!?
Oookay. First, take a chill pill. Like literally. The doctor said you shouldn’t be off your meds.
Second, sometimes I’m not so sure if there is a point to it. Sad to say, many clouds I see don’t seem to have a silver lining. They are just that – grey clouds. But the only thing in this world that keeps me from being a depressed, nihilistic, angsty youth -there we go with the adjectives again- is a diamond I found…rather that found me…in the rough.
My recourse in life, to all my failures and shortcomings. To my imperfections and mistakes. The proverbial butter to my toast, and the only thing that makes my life worth living – is the Love of God.
YOU KNOW IT 🙂
Words may never suffice, they may never be enough to do justice, in explaining the immeasurable, all-encompassing, engulfing, unmatchable, indefatigable, unfailing, unconditional, steadfast love of God.
God loves me. I’m the guy God loves. Despite the many things wrong with me. I didn’t even scratch the surface with this post. He looked at me and said, “I like that guy.” Hehe, God must have a really weird taste in people.
But He loves me, and cares for me, and…wait for it, wants me to be perfect. Just like Him.
perfect
I know for a fact that God doesn’t procrastinate. He is very punctual. In fact, He invented this thing we call time. So if He is the blueprint for what I should be, my procrastination woes are insignificant, when held up in comparison to Him.
I know that the discipline I will require to overcome my shortcomings as a human being won’t be easy. But I’ve got the best watching my back…and front…and sides too. He wouldn’t require anything of me, without enabling me.
So for the few of you, who by some miracle have managed to plow through all those words, I’m sorry. There’s no prize here. I told you from the start, don’t read this.
But maybe if you check back here in a year or so, I’ll have more words to offload on you. Happy birthday to me, and a toast to a procrastination-free 21st year. 🙂

8 thoughts on “YOU DON’T HAVE TO READ THIS. REALLY,YOU DON’T.

    1. Thank you… Thank you for calling me a weirdo. May be the best thing anyone called me today😅
      Thanks for visiting this place though, hope I’ll be able to keep you here

  1. Well,I know you literally said. YOU DONT HAVE TO READ but come on,why would you write if you don’t want this piece to be seen 🙂 in life different people go through different challenges in order to become butterflies,you will get there too..the love of God never fails. This doesn’t mean you should relax..NO!!!you have to work towards what you want to be and fight your weakness with HE by your side.

    1. Amen to that. The title mostly was for me. It feels like a win anytime someone reads it though they didn’t need to.
      But I hear you, I’ll work harder towards what or who I’m meant to be

  2. Selian Finally i read your blog the title in itself is captivating in the sense when you tell someone not to do something that’s when the mind wanna try it.Good job as a writer you kept me in suspense with your procrastination story…

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